Getting better

Willpower… is… waning… must… stay… strong…

At least I’m still going to the gym, but I want to eat all the time… and I’m not even hungry.

I like machines for pushing to failure. I can’t really cheat with seated press when my arms get tired, so when I fail can’t really compensate with anything else. Presses might be a bad example, but the same goes for curls.

I’ve never been this sick in my life. The illness is gone but I’m still very weak and tire very easily. I’ve been to the gym once in the last 5 weeks and it was exhausting. I lost 11 lbs while I had the virus and I’ve gained 5 of them back when I started eating again. I’ve been eating a lot lately and still not really getting back the strength. I noticed the quality of food wasn’t that great, so maybe that’s why it’s taking so long. Not sure, just have to wait it out. I’ll be back though, I promise myself this is temporary.

I’ve been out of the running for 5 days. I caught some virus. It’s just a stomach flu and you usually don’t need to make a doctor’s visit. Just stay hydrated and wait it out. I had so much trouble sleeping! The abdominal pain was enough to keep me awake for hours. I took the wrong type of medications, which didn’t help. I had no apetite, but I did gather enough energy to get on my bike, go to the grocery store and by some fruit juices (something I haven’t bought in a long time because of the high sugar content). Though it’d be the easiest way to not starve, since I wasn’t going to be eating solids anytime soon.

Despite the fruit juice, my energy started dwindling. Apparently what happens after two days of staring around my appartment, spending most of my time in bed or on the toilet, I start getting philosophical. Yep, I start wondering what the hell I’m doing anything for. What’s the point of it all? I’ve come a long way in a year, but who am I kidding? Is anything really fundamental going to change? If so, will it be for good? I’ve done new things and tried new things, but have they CHANGED me? No, I’m still the same person with a slightly altered outlook. I’m still lazy and all these ideas and projects in my head hardly ever get started, the ones that do, die an infant death.

Damn! Even just writing that last paragraph was bringing me down, so time to talk about what I learned. That low energy feeling of not wanting to do anything or go anywhere was very familiar. That’s the old my of… let’s say 19 to 29. I was like that for 10 years and then poof something happened. I got motivated and started doing things and going places. Now I hate to make this a pseudo-scientific thing, but I’ve seen insulin resistance be correlated to quality of life. Diabetics and pre-diabetics feel lethargic, low energy, unmotivated. Treating them with leptin improved marks in those categories. There was no cause and effect proved in the study, only a relationship.

As I get past this stomach flu (I hate these cramps), I have a new appreciation for the idea of a broad scope view on health. Physical health and mental health, we know they’re connected. People have not been telling others to get out and exercise to get out of their depression just to be cruel, it actuall works. Btw, I was never officially suffering from depression, I just assume I had some tendency for it for a while that, thankfully, never got out of hand. The point I was trying to make goes beyond my own personal story. It sheds a different light on things.

Stand up straight? Yes, but how straight? What curvature? Am I overthinking it. If I stand how I feel straight is, it looks overextended in the mirror. The best posture in the mirror feels subtly different. Unattainable without reference! I slouch in my chair because I have no disciprine!

I have to work something out. Like a way to remind myself and te reference the ideal posture. Getting a good office chair instead of the piece of crap I use now is a good start.

One bad day, is like ruining one good day. It sucks because you could have had two normal days and felt less guilty about it.

Have a weird pain in my back. So random. Sometimes it’s better not to want to understand why your body does what it does.

In the meantime, I’ve figured out that I can have a smaller dinner and a larger lunch and that fits my energy consumption better. Breakfast is normal, hungry but not dying. By lunch time I’m always starving. Come dinner time I usually have the tendency to want to stuff my face, but that’s just habit. I’m not actually that hungry.

Muscles look better on short people. I’m convinced.

Changed my avatar to a picture of my eye with gigantic dialated pupils. They’re that way because of the eye drops they gave me when doing some tests. Tests I need to do to get corrective laser eye surgery. May 23rd is the big day, I try not to think about it.

Ate way too much today. Dammit, where is my commitment?! This blows. I need to plan ahead more so I don’t end up buying food in between meals that end up being too far apart.

Trips to the gym are becoming a bit boring now. Compared to when I started, I’m not really excited when I’m going to or at the gym. I’m thinking maybe I should pick up a sport like Jiu Jitsu (which I used to do when I was a teenager) that might be more fun than solo trips to the gym. Although there’s strenght involved, I’m not sure I can maintain without also lifting on the side. So expensive to do both though.